Urban Green Farm

_my here . my now_

_my here. my now_   my exact current moment. Capturing the beauty of the simple, silly, normal things of my Fridays. If you want to play along leave a link to your post in the comments.

I'm here looking at the calendar. May is gone! We are almost 1/2 done this year, crazy. 

March was a hard month, health issues, a little more sad days then good ones, sickness. BAD.

April I strived to make good with project April Shine! It was a success, we started counselling, the cash system, some major diet changes not eating dairy and only a little meat, smoothies and lots and lots of yoga. 

May, well, we failed at a lot of the goals of the family. No cash even got out of the bank this month, we only went to one counselling session, we totally didn't use Ivy's media board, we had a whole week of eating out, because of money I could only go to yoga once a week and I even had to miss a week this month! So it sounds like that might mean this was a bad month, but it wasn't. 

May was full of random moments, of unplanned adventures and made for lots of fun days. I may have spend more money then the budget called for, but we had fun with it! We saw lots of friends this month, making many evenings full of laughter. I didn't get a lot of yoga, but the practice of yoga has taught me how to seek out peace even when not practicing the movements. Keith and I were just really together this month, with cuddles and tickles and just being the old us. 

May was unplanned, May didn't meet the goals, May was amazing. And it all ended remembering a really special baby and the decision to plan for another, how can that not be a good month! 

How was your May? 

TODAY: ZOO! Going right now, crazy Ivy is still sleeping, putting a wrench in the plan, but we will go as soon as she wakes. 

WEEKEND: Keith's cousin is getting married! LOVE WEDDINGS, YAY! Sunday or church is moving to evening services in a new building, an adventure! I think we will have a great weekend.

A day of love

Thank you all so much for your prayers, notes and thoughts, I love this community, you all are loved. 

Yesterday Keith decided to take the day off, which allowed me to go to Glitter's grave alone. It was nice, to just sit and be, surrounded by peace. I have always found graveyards to be so peaceful. I sat there for around 20minutes, just talking to Glitter, thinking about what life would have been, what life is. It was a nice moment. 

I left Glitter his/her first and only toy. A little sock monkey. A toy to keep him company. I also left a beautiful african violet, a velvety soft, purple one. 

When I got home we decided to do something special with the girls, something any child would love. A trip to the farm! A petting farm!

It was a terrific experience. Ivy's favorite things was the huge sandbox, tunnel pit. Ayla liked everything. Keith liked the baby goats. I LOVED the baby chicks. I kept sneaking away and going back into their home to feed them. They would jump all over my arm and hand. SOO CUTE!!! The baby goats were amazing too, you could just go right to them and pet them, and snuggle them and they didn't care. It was a wonderful day. Filled with things I am grateful for, my family. 

TODAY: Not sure yet, but I feel an outing is in order :) Dinner at friends tonight, that always make for a good night. 

Too many photos to watermark, be kind please! 

 

due

When I found out I was pregnant with Glitter, I marked each week in my calendar with how far along I would be. When I lost Glitter I deleted all these painful reminders, but I could not erase this one. I tried, I had it highlighted ready to hit the delete key, but I couldn't. 

Today I could have had a baby.

I could be in labour right now, or even be holding our newest little member of the family. 

We could have all been lost in baby kisses. 

Our home could have looked completely different, my thoughts often go here. How our room would have a shelf of baby supplies right beside my bed, how the girls would be sharing a room, how the baby chair, swing and mat would be strewn around the house. How precious little baby things could be in every corner and place in this home.

Our van could have been squished with 3 little car seats. Ivy all the way in the back, Ayla and babe sharing the captains chairs in the 2nd row. 

We could be planning our summer trips as a family of 5 and how that will shape all the things we are doing. 

Ayla could be a big sister. 

Ivy could be a even more experienced big sister. 

My girls could be bonding, holding, kissing their newest sibling. They could start a relationship that will be with them their whole lives, no matter the fights, words, distance or pain a siblings love is always there. It is a remarkable connection. 

I could be resting in bed, bonding and breathing in my little baby's presence. 

I could be crying those tears of joy over his/her little face.

I could be a mom to three. 

I fought using the word should in this post. Because although I sometimes feel that way, Glitter SHOULD be here, I have to see the bigger picture. I am not saying their is purpose or reason for Glitter's death, or any other pregnancy loss. But I do believe there is something to take away from this. Something to learn. I could just be bitter and sad and angry forever with losing Glitter, but I don't want to remember him/her in that way. I am forever changed by this little tragedy. 

When I thought about this day back in October, I would reassure myself that at least I will be pregnant again for that hard day, because Glitter put in me the desire for a third child. I am not pregnant, well maybe I am but I won't know for another week :), but I am facing this hard day with 2 incredible children who I have been beyond blessed with and I know so many people have to face similar days with no other children and my heart breaks for them. I also have an extremely supportive, loving, caring husband who will hold my hand through this day and all the days where little things bring tears to my eyes. 

So although today could have been very, very different, it is what it is now and I have A LOT to be joyous about. Like the really neat thing that I am thankful for, today is Glitter's and the girls, Godmama's birthday and I think it is an amazing piece of comfort and joy that although Glitter is not here today, today some 30 years ago an amazing women was born, a women who has also forever changed me and my children, so at least, but not even really a least, we get to celebrate a birth today and that makes me very happy. Happy Birthday Julie. We love you. 

TODAY: We are going to Glitters grave with flowers. I imagine the kids will run around there while I sit beside the grave stone and watch them run, imaging Glitter running up in heaven, screeching a beautiful childlike voice and stopping to look down on his/her family with a smile. I love you Glitter, I always will. 

PS If you are interested in reading more about Glitter, under the Feather Charm link to the side at the bottom of the post, is all the major events that happened around Glitter. Thank you.