1. When I went to fill my script for Clomid at my pharmacy, my normal, wonderful, pharmacist was not there. Instead a woman around 35-40 was working. She happily came over to help me. I asked for my Clomid prescription and she smiled. "Have you cycled yet?" I happily reported that I was on day 2 and that this was our 5th time on Clomid, I jokingly said that I was now the Clomid master. She replied "I have 2 Clomid babies, 150mg mind you, but it worked for me!" I smile, managing to stay calm, "oh that is excellent, we are doing IUI's with the Clomid, we are hoping for the best!" She then goes on to tell me that with her first husband she was so stressed and did not ovulate, therefore why the Clomid was needed. But then with her second husband, her "inner dragon" (yes actual words used) was released as she got pregnant naturally 2 more times with him! "Oh that is wonderful for you I reply." Totally not burning with jealously, really I was fine. Then she leans over the counter real close to me and whispers "And we just found out we are expecting our 5th!" She hands me my script, I give her the CONGRATS she was waiting for and head toward the aisle with kitchen knives to stab myself. NO I didn't, I walked away smiling to myself. I was fine.
2. Walking to work this morning I ran into my old physiotherapist. I saw him for over a year, during all my knee surgeries. Every visit I had to get this electro shock thing done to my knee, you can't be pregnant to have this therapy. So I ended up having to tell him our fertility challenges and how we were trying. So every visit, the first question was "So are you pregnant yet?" Of course I never was. He and his wife were not trying when I started with him. At the end of the year they had began trying. My next visit, also one of the last visits as he was leaving to start his own company, he told me they were expecting. I was jealous then. This morning I ran into him and his new baby. I was so happy for them, I ooed and ahhed over the little bald head and got many giggles from him. We talked about our adoption plans, infertility treatments and how his wife’s labor went. It was great talking to him, and I was so genuinely excited for them that I began to plan the baby card I would send him as soon as we were done talking. I was fine.
3. There are rumors about, and some friends who are pregnant or trying for their second babies. Their firsts were conceived close to when we started trying. This kind of news I imagined would throw me into a panic attack, screaming and cursing the heavens for my lackage of baby. But now hearing this news, my heart fills with gladness for these friends, cause they deserve to expand their families, and I wish them all the success in the world with their seconds. I'm fine.
It's funny how we change, and I am sure once the Clomid kicks in these feelings of love and happiness will turn into rage and loathing, but until then I can be happy for these people, and happy for me. I may not have a baby or child yet, but I can stay out all night partying it up! I can travel and not worry about child arrangements. I can do spontaneous activities! I can spend money on shoes! I can eat out and sleep in!
I would give it all up in a second though, but right now, today, I will bask in my childlessness! Cause dudes I am feeling like the golden barren one or something. I want to prance around with fertility statues hanging from my arms letting the world know that “Yes I may not be able to conceive, but I WILL HAVE CHILDREN and I am fine.”
Who wants to join me?
PS: Did you notice my new little timelines on the sidebar! More celebrating of how long all this wonderful crap has been happening! Joyous! PSS: No I have not been doing my Wii Fit, so STOP HARASSING ME FOR FREAKS SAKE. I am avoiding it cause Wii Fit board is going to run me over the coals!
i would LOVE to join you in today's state of baby-less-ness. I'm doing okay with it too, right now. Not that being totally distracted by this whole JOB INTERVIEW on friday is helping. lol I love that you're doing okay today....and tomorrow, or next week or next month when you're not doing okay...(IF you're not doing okay)...we'll still all be here for you. You're amazing!!!
Oh, and another thing that you can enjoy in your time without children is your stripper-cize classes....;) a giant pregnant belly would throw off your sense of balance so bad...lol but who knows, you, alicia, might just be able to accomplish it....(every time you post about your class i am secretly insanely jealous that they have nothing of the sort around here....!!)
wish me luck on my interview!!!
Posted by: Laura | July 16, 2008 at 10:01 AM
You can complain to the pharmacy if you feel like it! She's not supposed to gossip with you about your meds!
I'm sure you will have to give up your night partying soon but at least you are enjoying it while you have it!
Posted by: Jen | July 16, 2008 at 10:11 AM
Expecting her 5th, huh? Gag me.
Posted by: Bec | July 16, 2008 at 10:22 AM
Hey there honey. I would love to join you but only for today. You see yet again, you and I are within just a few days apart on cycling. lol. I started clomid 4 days ago. Here we are..... I am all up for martinis and stripper classes, hmmm how long do you think it will take to drive. lol
Posted by: Jenni | July 16, 2008 at 10:30 AM
You sound great! The lady at the counter was surely trying to inspire you and little does she know that this isn't the way.
Imagine the poor person getting the viagra or herpes prescription filled by her and her inner dragon.
Posted by: MamaSoon | July 16, 2008 at 10:42 AM
I start my clomid on Friday.
(In my head I thought "oh my gawd, we are like cycle buddies" but then I thought that sounded kind of creepy!)
I don't know about you but I believe it is clomid that releases my "inner dragon". My dh would gladly attest to that fact!
Posted by: Shawna | July 16, 2008 at 11:14 AM
An inner dragon??? Her FIFTH child? :| I don't even know what to say about all that, other than she should have just done her job and not said a damn thing (IMO). Mind you, when someone is trying to say the right thing (which I will give her credit for here and say I believe she was trying to encourage you or give you hope) that it always seems to come out wrong. She really didn't need to throw in the 5th child bit - that's just nose rubbing which is NOT polite. Sorry, had to rant for a second. And about the second baby bit, I wasn't sure how you'd react but I didn't want to hide it from you either. Can you let me know how you'd like me to handle things like that? Thanks for letting me eat you out of house and home last night :) Love you my dear.
Posted by: Carmen | July 16, 2008 at 11:19 AM
Good luck on this round of clomid. I have one 50mg left for next month. I am nervous about increasing the dose.
Posted by: Marie | July 16, 2008 at 12:59 PM
Wow, go golden barren one! Good for you, and I hope Clomid won't bring your outlook down. :) Wish I were feeling so golden too, but I'm just anxiously awaiting AF (or the lack thereof, rather).
Posted by: SAHW | July 16, 2008 at 01:33 PM
YOU GO GOLDEN BARREN GIRL!
I am golden and barren and I have a child! I LOVE what your saying!!!
One of our fertility "treatments" was to carry fertility runes in our pockets and wear fertility idol necklaces No, it didn't work and yes, I'm a bit of a hippie flake! But honestly we tried everything!! Well, except drugs and Dr type treatments, we didn't go that far.
Now that we are trying again, I'm eating an avacado a week (it's supposed to help the "girl parts") and DH is eating figs (it's supposed to help the swimmer or soldiers if you prefer) We'll see! We're just trying to keep ourselves occupied with something until we can start adoption number 2!
Posted by: Alicia | July 16, 2008 at 03:55 PM
Golden Barren One... I have that syndrome too.
I HATE going to the pharmacy. The look of pity i get each and every month I go back to refill my script. I just say "I prefer not to talk about it". To THAT woman I would have sarcastically said, "thanks that makes me feel lots better" and walked out. What a selfish cow.
I'm going to live it up this weekend, get trashed on tequila and sleep til 3pm. Wish me luck. Wish you could join me. Stupid far away continents...
I drift in and out of happiness for other people. People I'm really close to I'm really happy for, but strangers on the street can go jump in a lake :P
I totally connected with this post and I want to thank you for writing it. I cried at work yesterday and had to explain to the boss this time. Her daughter in law is in her 5th yr of IVF and she still didnt understand why I was feeling the way I was. Her son is the fertility problem though. People don't MEAN to be ignorant. All I know is I don't have to serve pregnant women anymore. Do you think I have any chance of getting the stroller recalled? lol
Posted by: Danielle Melnyczenko | July 16, 2008 at 06:33 PM
You have a heart of gold.
Ok, I'll prance around with you. Let me go grab my neon tights and my G.I. Jane fuschia bandana!!!
Shall we yodel, as well, together at the same time?
Posted by: Brandygirl | July 17, 2008 at 02:28 AM
Finding moments of peace and calm in infertility is priceless. Enjoy them while you have them and I hope they continue. OPPs (other people's pregnancies) are so hard to deal with when we are going through the trenches!!! Keep the faith!
Your Wii fit guy is SOOOOO going to scold you, girl!
Posted by: Mel | July 17, 2008 at 08:49 AM