It has taken a few days, but the reality and shock of this report has settled in. Click here for the full story.
It is 40 pages long. It is basically who Keith and I are wrapped up in a paper nutshell. Unfortunately with a lot of miss truths. It is obvious to me now that Social Worker needs to work on one crucial piece of being a social worker, listening. By reading what she has written it appears that she heard the worst part of a story, situation or experience and focused only on that small piece. Not the pieces leading up to the worst part, not how we dealt with the worst part, but only the worst part was captured.
Sadly the majority of negativity was directed at me. She found many faults in my character, but the largest one being everything infertility. She came to the conclusion that I was obsessed and consumed with an absolute NEED to have biological children. I am not sure how she came to this, when obviously I was giving up on that dream by pursuing adoption? I did mention to her that I was willing to try all types of fertility treatments to really give us every opportunity to conceive, but I was learning that families are built in many ways, and adoption is such an exciting and awesome method of creating a family. I was so excited about adoption that I was willing to stop all fertility treatments and concentrate fully on adoption, if our last IUI attempt failed. Apparently she never heard any of this.
Another HUGE area of negativity towards me, was the fact that I sought out professional help for the depression I was going through. Because I was not able to conceive, because I was beginning to deal with the fact that my body might be so broken I would never experience the flutters of a baby kicking inside of me, because my dream in life was to become a mother and I was worried this may not happen, I became depressed. To me this does not seem like a shocking conclusion, I think it pretty natural for people experiencing this much pain, suffering and hurt to end up in a depressive state. And KNOWING myself so well, I realized that this depression was changing me, changing me into a person I did not recognize or like. So to prevent the black hole from consuming any more of me I got help. I saw a psychologist for 4 sessions. 4 sessions. No meds. I leant a lot in this time. I gained tools to recognize when I was slipping into sadness and how to pull myself out. I am very grateful for the things I learned, and truly believe these lessons made me a better person, a more well equipped mother. But Social worker seems to believe because I was depressed once, it will defiantly occur again. And the horrors of being a depressed person while an adoptive child was being placed with me would be too horrific to consider. I needed much more counseling to be qualified in her eyes to parent, even though according to her seeking help in the first place is what marked me un-recommendable. Makes sense yes?
She had many other points of attack towards me, she felt I was unprepared to parent a special needs child because MY WORK WITH SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN ended due to burn out. She never mentioned all the years I worked with teenagers and children and the huge impact those experiences played in my life. She could only focus on the reason I left my last job. I got burnt out. But she didn't bother explaining that the child I was working with was a 3 year old boy, who would never excel past the age of an infant. She neglected to say that the mother of this family was a single mom who spoke no english, who had another child who was a brainiac and ended up being the interrupter at the age of 7. She never mentioned that this boy would scream and yell and bite and pee on me, because I would turn off the tv. I had to work with him for 8 hours a day, and I was required by my agency to actually perform tasks, make records that shows progress and somehow communicate the drastic changes that needed to occur in the home for this boy to succeed. It was an impossible task for me. And when working with this child I decided that I did not want children, because the thought of my child being this severely autistic, scared me. And when I realized I was thinking those thoughts, I left. Because I knew my dream and desire in life was to become a mother, and nothing should change that passion in my heart. But all she could write in the report was that I was obviously not ready to parent a special needs child because I too easily quit when things got a little hard with my last client. She said I couldn't change him, so I left.
I really could go on and on, and Keith of course had a few attacks against him as well. Basically this report was written from someone who did not know us, who did not take the time to understand anything, someone who only hears the bad and forgets the rest. I do not feel well summarized in these 40 pages. And it saddened me greatly to think about the people who read this and came to some conclusion about me, because of what this bitch made up. It angers me to my core, heating up my insides. I want to scream off the rooftops the injustice of my government. When a couple who has soo much love to give is rejected and for horrible, false reasons and yet our government does not have the time or resources to check into all those child abuse claims, my government who gives kids to foster parents who are only in it for the money and those children live through years of terrible abuse. How is this fair? How is this right?
I spoke with our adoption worker. I could barely contain my emotions and myself. Luckily she is an understanding woman, and in the few hours we have spent together she came to her own conclusion of agreeing that this report is not accurate at all. Unfortunately it is official, and cannot be just forgotten. It will now be in our file, staining our records. She has left a large note on the report explaining that neither Keith or Alicia could sign off on this as it is not an accurate portrayal. She also said she does not agree with it, which is really what is saving us.
We have a chance to adopt again, we will have to go through another painful home study. Keith said he does not think he is willing to do this, he has been too burnt. I asked him what he would do for Twinkle, and he said anything, so I said the child/ren we are meant to adopt are the same as Twinkle, so what would you do for them, and we agreed anything.