alicia

No baby yet

Just no internet...yesterday Keith was working from home, so he got dibs on our only computer device. Today the dry-wallers working on our basement unplugged the internet somehow and I was too deathly shy to go down there and fix it! Plus I am sick, so yesterdays post would have looked something like:

WHNE, whine whine. I am sick and grumpy and ahhhhh mommy?

So you didn't miss much. I am actually feeling worse today, but have so much to tell all you people and I did not want you to think I went and had a baby or something without telling you, so I am sucking it up and posting.

I think I caught this cold from the fancy IVF charity thingy I attended on Friday night. Which was amazing, thanks for asking.

I arrived shortly after 7 to stand in the longest line ever, which only lead to a coat check which I did not bring money for to use, starting the night off well (what you need MONEY at these things?).

The hotel was spectacular and the room was done up just right. There were tables right when you walked in with photos of families, success stories from the IVF program, and beside each photo was a detailed story of the couples infertility journey.

I wept like broken hearted teenager at all of them. Being pregnant seemed to help justify the strange stares I was getting.

Speaking of being pregnant, I had this idea in my head that I would be swarmed with questions regarding my pregnancy, and it would not matter that I showed up to this event alone because my evening would be full with all the interviewing taking place. And naturally I would educate all the fertile, judgey people out there about the pains and struggles that infertility is and of course one of these newly educated peoples would be some kind or reporter and would get me a spot on the prime time news informing our ignorant population about all that is infertility. Yes it does take a lot of energy to live in the clouds all day in Alicia fantasy land, but I do it all the time.

But to my startling surprise, which I am sure will be a no brainer to all of you, the room was FILLED with pregnant bellies. Mine was in no way a special belly (of course they do not know of the child residing in this womb, hell if they knew it was the future queen, hottest actress or first women prime minister they would have been all over my swollen gut).

There were more silent auction items to bid on then I thought possible to squish into a room. I didn't even get a good look at everything available.

But there was this! A princess package which included this fabulous tutu! I did not bid on anything, as I am poor. But I was there, I totally supported my fellow infertiles by eating all the hors d’oeurves I could, which actually wasn't that many. Not that I am a complainer or anything (ok Tissue just rolled his eyes at that one, I am a brat, I get it) but seeing that everyone else could probably gage the audience to this event, being those that have been through infertility treatments, aka impregnated ones, you think they would have served less raw fish? Cause dudes it was everywhere, that and beef. Man what does a girl need to do around here to get some freakin chicken?! The small morsels of chicken I managed to leap upon (because again, audience not prepared for as there was close to 500 people there and only like 15 waiters who were swarmed with fat pregnant bellies as soon as they left the kitchen with their fancy little silver platters. Only those carrying raw fish made it a few feet past the kitchen doors) were very tasty, but totally not satisfying the finale to Swan Lake that my fetus like child was performing. I stood in the dessert buffet line for like 10 minutes before realizing it was never going to move, when I finally settled down with a coke that cost me $3, only to find there was nowhere for my pregnant feet to sit. awesome.

See complainer. It was a really fantastic event though, really. They had these little cards at all the non sitting cocktail tables with little facts about infertility that I totally loved!

And the coolest auction item there!

It was kinda like the Mona Lisa, you could see it, but you could not stop and stare. A crowd of people were there to make sure you were pushed past it, only grabbing this kinda quality of photo. It took me a while to wrap my head around this one though. See all the proceeds of this auction, including all the DONATED silent auction items goes to Generations of Hope, which in turn pay for peoples in vitro cycles. So basically this is like 2 IVF cycles donated, cause the people who bid on this item will be essentially passing the money onto someone else’s IVF cycle! Crazy hey? By the way, 30 minutes into the event this was already running at $6000!

I got to see my Fertility Doctor and her husband and she said she would not help me conceive my second baby until I brought in the first one for a showing, I agreed that seemed fair. I also saw my acupuncturist who helped put this whole shindig together. And then my aching feet (which yes still fit in my heels!) and my starving fetus demanded we leave.

I got home around 10, curing what ailed me like so:

Ohh the healing power of fake chicken meat from McDonalds, nothing like it.

And cause you are all so interested, my stylin hot outfit!

Keith left before I was all dolled up and was not back home before I had de robed to take my picture, and Tissue was just too drunk to operate a camera, so I was left to take photos of my hotness by myself. And that is why they suck. You really aren't seeing the potential and finesse of the ridiculously expensive camera I own hey?

I had a great time. And even had fun being alone, but next year’s IVF image of hope, money raising, extravaganza you should really all come with me! We will rock that joint apart and I will be able to drink, which promises a much more fun occasion.

Friends and Fam

In college/university (I went to them all, no not because I am smart, because I am a drop out who still doesn’t know what she wants to be when she grows up) I had plans EVERY night of the week. There wasn't a day or evening that wasn't jammed packed with social outings of all sorts, punk shows, concerts, theatre, coffee, dinner, movies etc etc. Keith lived the same way and many times was a part of the same group of friends I was hanging out with. We were busy busy bees.

Once married, we did what almost all married couples do. We withdrew into our new relationship and cut off many friends and activities for that first year of marriage, and rightfully so. It is a huge adjustment amalgamating two lives into one. But things never went back to the busy ways of college life, again this makes sense.

Over the past 4 years Keith and I have become very "homebody" types. After work we love coming home and just chilling out with a movie, or a game or a book. Knowing we have plans that night is almost draining and sometimes even dreadful. But never a week goes by that I do not have at least 2 evenings planned, some weeks I have a thing every night of the week. Keith cannot stand these weeks, as he really has come to value his homebody time. I don't mind them once in a while, and am usually the one to blame for filling a week up so fully. I do like my homebody time though.

One outing a week, that occurs every week, is seeing my best friend Hannah. Even in my darkest times of infertility fog she has dragged my sorry ass out of the house to do something, anything. I have hated her for this. But looking back I am so thankful. Who knows if would have ever left the house if not for her.

I am really enjoying our weekly outings now, as I imagine they will be changing slightly with Twinkle's arrival. Last night we went to see a play, run out of a small shack in the theatre district of Calgary. It was not a heated shack, and last night was cold. But we crammed into this amazingly small space with about 15 other people, all in our warmest winter gear and watched 2 student actors perform their passion. It was a great story, and very well performed. Luckily it was only 5ish minutes long, because freak it was cold. Keith wouldn't have driven the 20 minutes to get there, paid the $5 for the show and stood in the cold just to see a 5 minute performance, I actually can't think of many people who would do this with me. But Hannah did, and will. She is always finding crazy little things like this for us to do. And I am really excited that soon it will be me, aunty Hannah and Twinkle doing these crazy things together.

I was worried that having a baby would mess up the spontaneous, crazy adventures me and Hannah have (the "structure" of parenting is actually my biggest fear about becoming a mom). But Hannah and I are up for the challenge. We have never been the types to fall into the norm, to stick to the path before us. She hasn't let me down before, even through my marriage to Keith, my depressive fog of 2 years, she still got me out and about, and I don't think that will change with Twinkle. I have had this discussion with many people, all of whom have asked me "Are you and Hannah ready for this change? You know you won't be able to do these adventures anymore!" (same question asked in many different formats, basically are you ready to be more grown up with your time!). And I began to believe them, and worry about this, and even tried to prepare Hannah by letting her know I will never be able to leave my house and blah bah freakin blah.

I am not going to worry about it anymore. It will be what it will be. And I have a feeling, with me and Hannah’s creative minds, we will be just fine.

I am very thankful to have a friend like Hannah. My greatest wish would be that all of you would have a friend like her.

PS Images of Hope, the IVF charity event is tonight!! I will be sure to take pictures of the grand evening. Still going solo, but pretty excited to be there!

PSS We welcomed a new family member into our lives yesterday!

Spresso Millis! (not my actual picture, totally googled this). He is a 2007 Silver Nissan Versa! And yes he is a he, and yes his name is Spresso. I name all my vehicles and they end up all being boys? Maybe I just haven't had a pretty enough car yet to have a girl car. Anyway we got a smokin sweet deal on this little dude, and we love how cute yet spacious he is!

Bean Millis Our 2008 Galaxy Grey Honda Civic, does not yet know what to think of Spresso. (Do you get the clever name thing now, Spresso and Bean, we are ripe with cheese here at the Millis household).

Weigh in

Weigh In...on Monday we find out if this baby will be born via the vag or via the knife. To help bring me some peace about the whole thing (I am really not that torn up about it anymore) I am weighing the pros and cons for you.

C-Section:

Pros

• Twinkle will get to arrive earlier! And I am sooo ready to meet her now!
• The OCDness in me loves the idea of a plan, a date and a time to prepare for.
• No labor pains!
• No 3rd degree tearing, really that is just all kinds of freaky.
• My lady bits will stay lady bit looking, and not stretched out and unrecognizable looking.
• My dear friend Carmen will be in town, she will be away on Twinkles due date.

Cons

• This is surgery we are talking about, that means a lot of recovery.
• I sorta have a history of having panic attacks in the surgery room, requiring being knocked out.
• Really don't want to be knocked out for the birth of my first child!
• There is no spontaneity, no surprise.
• No timing contractions and racing to the hospital running through red lights and being escorted by police car to the emergency doors (I have my dreams here peeps).
• Not experiencing labor, and the strange beauty that it holds.
• Not getting to hold Twinkle right after she is born.

Vaginal Birth

 

Pros

• Going through a experience women have been going through since they didn't have belly buttons.
• The excitement and anticipation of never knowing when little Twinkle will decide to appear.
• The race car driving to the hospital.
• Having her being placed right on my chest as soon as she faces the world for the first time.
• Shorter healing time (I know sometimes these births have longer healing times, the whole 3^rd degree tear thing, OMG!)
• Keith getting to cut the cord.

Cons

• 3rd degree tears (can you tell I am freaked about this?)
• Labor is sorta freaking me out a little. I get these dairy induced stomach pains of death, now happening every other day from all sorts of foods. These pains make me want to die, I tell myself while enduring them that if labor is this bad then I won't make it!
• I sorta like my lady bits being the way they are, I think Keith does too.
• The obsessive tendencies I can see taking over me the last few weeks before her due date, thinking every twinge, pain, and ache is labor starting.
• Having gone through all sorts of glorious pains and contractions only ending up needing an emergency c-section. This would just piss me off in all kinds of ways.

So there are some good and some bad to both. When I first found out about the possibility of me needing a c-section my mind raced through all these points and worked my self into many states of worry.

 

But honestly, after 2 years of pain and torture trying to conceive this child, the idea of preparing a birth plan seems… silly. I am pregnant, it is a God given freakin miracle. All I care about is that Twinkle be born alive, breathing and healthy. I don't care if it takes an alien autopsy on me to get her here that way.  

Tune in Monday for "The Great Placenta Watch 2009!" to see if little placenta has moved 2cm away from the cervix, or has stubbornly made her too close to the cervix stand.

Off my lazy ass

Sorta.

I finished one project! But not because a wonderful sense of motivation filled me. No defiantly not. My house is still a pig sty, which Tissue LOVES cause then there is garbage for him to chew on everywhere and keep us awake with CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH at 2 am!

The reason I decided to actually get one card project done was that Carmen asked me to be a guest writer on her blog, Ink Paper Create. I was actually supposed to have the post written for last Monday, but totally sucked out on that. So it is done, for this Monday!

So Ann, your cards are finished! YAY!! Congrats again on guessing that Twinkle was a girl! Your prize for not only guessing the right sex, but being the lucky name drawn are these 5 pink, all occasion themed cards!

Pink Christmas!

Pink Valentines Day!

Pink Birthday!

Pink Wedding!

Pink Baby!

The whole lot!

All wrapped up and heading your way Ann!

Ohhh you are all so jealous aren't you??? Don't worry, there will be more card winning contests soon! Or if you REALLY need a card, like freakin right now, you can always order one from me :) Just shot me an e-mail.

I hope you all had a great weekend! It snowed here finally, like crazy snowed. So I am defiantly more in the Christmas spirit now! I have all my presents bought and wrapped, so now I am just waiting for Santa to get here! YAY!

How are your Christmas plans coming along?

The design and other tidbits

First! The winner. Well actually a little story first. When I started reading all your comments about what sex you all thought Twinkle was, I was amazed by all the boy votes and how little there were of girl votes. I told Keith this and it affirmed my belief that Twinkle was indeed a boy. After the shock of finding out Twinkle is a girl, I went back to the comments and wrote everyone’s name beside either girl or boy. It was split down the middle exactly! So I was obviously delusional or something.

Anyway, the winner of an all occasion pack of hand made cards, made by yours truly, all in a theme of pink is...... ANN!!! If you could be so kind as to send me your address, I will get those cards to you as soon as I have made them! Which, who knows when that will be, but I promise before year end! And yes I will put pics up of them before I send them to Ann, as I want you to see what you missed out on!

The Design:

It is time to reveal the grand nursery plans. The design board is complete, it is now on its third redo as after finding out Twinkle was a girl I had a small freak out that the room was TOTALLY not girly enough. So I added a few girly touches and changed a few details to make the room still stylish and not babyish, but still with a flare of girl.

The Bedding:

The room was in a way designed around this. I really loved this bedding as a gender neutral bedding (but secretly thinking its a boy, so perfect!) now that I know Twinkle is a girl, this bedding isn't my favorite, but its purchased, sooo I had to work with it.

The Walls:

Vanilla milkshake color for the majority of the walls, with white baseboards, moldings and window casings.

A teal, blue accent wall. This is the wall the crib will go aganist.

This painting will be on the wall, but horizontal and in this frame:

The Furniture:

Dresser/ change table.

The shelf of wonderment. Heres an example of how I invision using the shelf:

The rocking chair.

And now you ask...where is the crib! We actually bought one some time ago, from Kijijii. The picture I have of it won't copy onto typepad, so I will have to take one once home. It is birch colored like all the furniture, and is quite chunky and awesome.

The details:

Lamp shade

More wall art

More wall art

Cute pillow

Paper butterfly mobile I plan on making.

And hopefully this will be her light. Keith needs some major convincing on this one.

I know, its hard to imagine! But I am painting this weekend and things should be set up soon. So there will be real pictures of the real room soon! But I just had to share this awesome room with you!

And the last bit of info for you, I felt her kick!! It actually happened Monday afternoon. I was waiting for Keith to come out of his office so we could walk home, and all of a sudden it was like someone had taken a little feather and started tickling my insides with it. I kinda jumped! Since then, I have felt her tons. She is thumping and bumping like little popping bubbles, but bubbles that are made of steel or something, cause I can feel them hit and then pop.

Really I am having a freakin fantastic week over here.

Twinkles a GIRL!

A weekends work

And now the retreat!

Our wonderful bed and breakfest that was just so cute all over! Even the owner was a cute, little lady.

The Harvest Room! All the rooms were themed, this was me and Tina's room.

Where I spent my whole weekend. There was 8 of us scrap booking, and we each got a huge table.

We even had our own mini kitchen to keep all our snacks and drinks!

 My work space!

Yes there are more snacks then work on my table, a girls got to eat!

 

 

Tina working hard.

Carmen working on her Boston album.

Erin's working on Halifax.

Some work of mine in progress.

Oraganizing Alaska photos!

4 albums done! Kyiv, London, New York and Alaska! I feel so accomplished.

And my 11 week belly shot!  Do you see that sucker? It may not look like it has grown much since week 9, but it feels like it's own entity now. It is rolly when I walk, I feel like Santa.

Grow Twinkle grow. Count down 1 week till Twinkle makes his next appearance!!! Can't wait!

Scrap booking Hooligans

I am leaving on Friday afternoon for a scrap booking retreat.

It is true that I am not a fan of scrap booking, WHAT! The horrors I know. It is hard to believe that someone who is soooo extremely talented at making cards, would not be all over the scrap booking craze. Here's my issue. I love cards because they are small. I can tackle them in a few hours and then am left with a sense of accomplishment and pride. I hate having unfinished projects left around, HATE IT. And scrap booking requires and element of patience as there is no way one can finish a scrapbook in an evening. I would probably totally rock hardcore if I attempted to complete one, but I just don't have the energy to deal with the stress that the unfinished book would cause me. Wow I am all full of myself this morning.

So why the freak am I going on a retreat? Well I do love displaying my photos, and I LOVE looking through photo albums, so my plan is to print off a few pictures (600 or so, no I am not joking) and put them all into pretty little photo albums, with margins to write little captions about the photos. I have made 6 of these already from our Disney World trip, Yellowstone trip, Keith and my first year together etc. This weekend I am attempting to create the following, Kyiv trip from 5 years ago, London trip from 5 years ago, Wedding from 4 years ago (yes I am so lame, I have not made my album yet! There are wedding pics framed in my house though!), New York from this Jan, and Alaska from this summer.

Sounds doable?? Hopefully. I want to have all my albums up to date before Twinkle arrives, so I can concentrate on Twinkle albums. The only one left to do after these 5 is my Paris trip from 5 years ago, but all those pics are on my parents computer, so they didn't get printed this time around.

I am excited for the weekend away in a cozy Bed and Breakfast with some good friends of mine. There will be snacking and crafting and laughing and all kinds of funness (totally a word).

Lets just hope I don't puke or fall asleep and droll on any body's scrapbook. They just might kill me if that happens, and there is a high likely hood it could happen, especially if these people decide to eat bananas or peanut butter in front of me. I warn, projectile puke can be created for these kinds of eating.

Monday there will be pictures, of my pictures, which I know you are all so excited about, and I am sure some shots of us girls being crazy scrap bookers (the police will so be called from noise complaints) will make it up here too, those you might be interested in!

Escape

I have been told a few times, by various people, that I am always so positive, so optimistic. I don't really know if this is true, if you lived in my head for a day you might not think so. But I was thinking, what would make people say this to me? How could I, me! be positive, when there is so much stress going on in my life?

I was thinking about this, when my song came on, you know THAT song. Everyone has one, I have a few, but right now there is a specific one. I turned up the volume until I could not hear my thoughts. I let the notes wash over me and through me, and like a sponge I soaked in the harmonies, the instruments, the lyrics. I let myself drift away and just breathe the music in. Once the song was finished I hit repeat and kept turning it up louder when I adjusted to the noise level. Every thought, every worry, every concern disappeared because I was lifted out of myself and left to only the song. I escaped.

And that’s when it hit me. The reason I can be positive, the explanation of why I may seem optimistic to some is that I have escapes. Music is not the only one.

When I pick up a book it does not take long until I am absorbed by it. I no longer have a sense of presence, I do not feel like I am sitting on my couch, I do not even know I exist, because I become the story. The words gently stroke my mind until I am lifted away from myself and I no longer read words, but the words play themselves out into a reality that I enter. I walk the paths of the characters, I feel their emotions, and I cry their tears. Books, like no other tool, have the ability to completely separate me from my own existence. They get to the point of being dangerous for me, because when I have to stop reading I have to take time and remember which person I am. I am no longer that person in the story, but me, in my normal world.

I also have art. I gather my supplies, my tools and I start envisioning. I see the pieces in front of me, but soon I no longer see the individual pieces but how together they can create something new, something beautiful, something tangible and yet surreal. I focus on this vision, I lose myself to this idea and I no longer control my hands, but let the artistic juices surge through my body until it starts to create. It is a glorious process of how a plan piece of paper, an empty page on a sketchpad, a blank card can transform into a little masterpiece. I am taken away from the world of stress and gloom that I know and am plunged into this place of color, light, texture and shadow until the piece is done. Sometimes I could not even describe to you how it was created, as I barely have a memory of it. I just hold onto my escape and marvel at it, and am filled with a true sense of pride.

I started to think of all the escapes I have, like food, how new exciting food involves all my senses and can bring me to a new experience away from my norm. Or hiking, how the scenery of the mountains, hills, plains can steal away my breathe. Or a moment of encounter with God, they are rare these days, but when they happen you forget how to speak, to move and to breathe and the world around you crumbles away as you realize the only thing that matters. Or a belly of a cat, or a movie to be lost in, or a afternoon of cuddles with my husband. I am lucky to have so many of these escapes.

I started thinking that maybe these escapes are not healthy, that leaving life, what it truly is, to be whisked away to new places, heights and realities is running away. It is not how life should be lived. So I began to think of life without my escapes, what it would look like, how it would feel. Right now, without these things, there would not be a lot of smiles and laughter. I would be overcome with my constant need to control, worry and stress. I would be lost in my sadness and it is easy for me to see why people would swallow a bottle of Tylenol.

I am called optimistic because I am able to escape often and so easily. So I can leave my need of control, my stress, my worry, I can take a break and then return with refreshing new attitude. A renewed sense of my life, and myself and I am able to smile during the storm, I am able to laugh amongst the suffering and I am able to love when I feel clouded by hate.

I notice myself reaching out and seeking these tools a lot this week. Possibly because I have now scheduled my second IUI procedure for the week of the 21st. A procedure I am conflicted about, because I so long for the experience of pregnancy, but I know there are children, my wonderful children who will spent more time apart from me if I carry a child. I am desperately trying to leave this in Gods hands. What comes first is meant to be. A control freak giving up control is not an easy thing, and usually fails. I worry about everything that could happen between now and then. Then. What is then? It's everything I suppose.

Then is not really worth worrying about is it? So I think I will escape.   

Show and tell 5

I have another addiction. It's more expensive then dirty novels. It sometimes gives me money back, but I am pretty sure I spend more then I get.

It's card making. Stampin Up products. I have a lot. Here let me show you:

Some of the cards we have made in class every month. For the past 3 years.

My drawer of paper. Nice paper. Expensive paper. But oh so lovely. Look at all those colors.

My drawer of stamps. And yes there are 2 more rows underneath this one you cannot see. It is a problem. I am not getting help.

A flower punch kit, felt flower kit, pretty flower kit, metal hardware kit and pencil crayons! Yes all Stampin Up. Yes I use it all. No I am not some flower loving, hippie child freak. There is just a lot of flower products to be had.

A basket of ribbon, stamp rollers, paper crimper and all kinds of scissors! Tissue has chewed all of this to hell. I once found a spoll of ribbon, soaked and DRIPPING of his saliva. And later I found more ribbon in a clump of poo he left for me on the carpet. NICE.

Inks, punches, adhesives, brads, buttons, glitter, pens. Loads of things! I keep these 2 so organized I could find stuff with my eyes closed. Oh yes I am just that freaky that I have tried.

And here we have 3 paper cutters. Cause you know, there could be a card emergency that arises and I have to cut paper with both my hands and a foot. It could happen?

Luckily there is no paper cutting, or really any physical work where I am. Because most likely I am eating. Probably something really fatty and good. I imagine I have gained, oh 10 pounds by now?

My adventures of the future, last night and today!

Ya so I am going on a cruise. A cruise I never told you about! OPPS! Soooo my friend Carmen and I planned this secret trip as a Christmas gift for our hubby's. Keith and I and Carmen, Nate and Grace (their one year old daughter) are going on a 7 night cruise to Alaska! Carmen and I are driving up to Vancouver on Saturday, as they need the car after the cruise for a wedding in Victoria. And Keith, Nate and Grace are flying up on the Sunday. The cruise leaves on Sunday at 5pm and returns on the next Sunday at 7am. Then Keith and I are staying in Vancouver for the night and leaving for home on a plane at 4pm. And then the 1st is a holiday, Canada day! So I will be back here on July 2nd. But....do not freight my peeps. I have planned to keep you entertained. The week I am gone will be show and tell week! I will be posting pics and stories about some crazy things about me, in my house, in my childhood etc! So keep checking the blogage cause there will be postage.

And everyone it's my baby sister’s birthday today!!! In our normal birthday tradition, I will have to sing her happy birthday, just like Marilyn Monroe did to the president. There is usually some stripping, boob touching and jazzy kicks involved. It's quite the birthday treat. And I must go call her now....one sec. She didn't answer. But you can imagine the sexiness of it all, especially with my raspy, smoker sounding voice due to the sickness.

And because it’s her birthday, I made her a card!

 

And due to my sickness, I was late on the whole fathers day thing, opps! But I have made my wonderful papa a card too!

AND...cause I was in the creative juices moment last night, I made a card for my dads hotel managing friend who hooked Carmen and I up with a hotel room in Camloops!

It was a busy night last night. And no there will be no video of the happy birthday dance, so don't even ask, but here I will give you the lyrics and you can imagine the dancing, growping and sexy singing.

"Haappy Birthhday too youuuu [some leg rubbing]. Haappyy Birthhday toooo yououou. [oh was that a little squeeze of the lady friends] Haaappy BIRTHHHDAY Mister President [oh ya lots of lip licking and cleavage showing], haaapy birthhhday [kick], tooo youoooooooooooooo.[the boob shake, can't have a song without it]"

You liked it.