doing the right thing

Can I be real with you? Truly honest? 

This is a place for me to spill my heart, my soul. This in many ways is my therapy (especially when commenting occurs, I blog for the conversation not the silence, TALK TO ME PEEPS!). So in being true with myself I want to put my feelings here. 

I love Keith. I love being married to him. Most days I choose love, sometimes I am too drained to. 

This year, the 7th of our marriage, has been a rough one. And yes, it's only 2 months in. (Married Jan 1st for those who did not know). 

With the still often present pain of losing Glitter, a more then often battle with finances and the lack of them, a restlessness in my heart that I try to keep calm, health scares and a few emotionally impacting events that are not mine to share, things are heading down darker, harder roads. 

I have always struggled with communication. I am a writer, not a speaker. I am a listener, not a talker. I am a peace seeker, not a confrontational meeter. When there is a lot of stress and emotion in my life my ability to communicate diminishes even farther. The person most effected by this.....my husband. 

For nearly 2 weeks now we have been frustrated with each other and the last 4 nights we have been arguing....constantly. It's draining. It's useless because most of these fights ended with no real resolution, mostly because I clam up in confrontation and wither away. 

Basically marriage is hard. 

But worth it. 

So to help give us some tools, like how to communicate more effectively without me clamming up, how to remember our love languages, how to fill each other instead of drain each other, we are going to counselling. Not because our marriage is in crisis, but because we love each other enough to work on things. 

We are currently researching marriage counsellors, ones that will be partly covered by Keith's benefits and hopefully someone we will sync with. 

I am excited for this part of our journey together and all that it will teach us. I plan on documenting our experience here under a new category, marriage! 

-

TODAY: Not sure if it is from all the crying or what, but my throat is raw and have lost my voice, my head also feels stuffed up! I hope it is a crying effect and not a sickness effect. REALLY need groceries and birthday supplies, but if I feel like this all day I think we will be staying in. There's always tomorrow right? 

Comments

[val]

glad you are working it out. u guys are solid rocks..i know what its like we argue the same..but for some reason not lately...love ya and have fun:)

[Lindsey M]

I totally agree with you. Marriage is hard, but totally worth it!!
Everyone goes through stuff like this. Counseling is a great idea to try out. We've been through some rough patches too. Let me know if you need someone to talk to.

[jules]

deep sigh... love you guys. let me know if you want her name?

[linds]

Good for you guys. :0) I know sometimes things are hard and we did some counselling this summer as well. Sometimes reframing things and learning how to communicate a little better is all we need. It is something worth fighting for, that's for sure. With how many marriages are ending in divorce these days, it is so refreshing to hear that there are still people out there who want to work things through and not just throw the towel in. Wishing you well on your continued journey. xo

[Stephanie]

i love you, alicia. again, your honesty and openness is so beautiful, humbling and refreshing. your willingness to communicate puts you in an amazing restorative spot! i'm sure this will be a worthwhile journey.
p.s. i want to listen to YOU!

[Caroline]

Alicia - love you and praying for you guys. Proud of you for fighting for health in your marriage.

[danielle]

Hey, Thanks for your honesty. Check out Randy Johnson from MastersConseling if you haven't found a good counselor yet. He's awesome and helped our marriage a lot. Danielle

[Katrina]

Hey Alicia, it takes more courage and humility to ever ask for help than to try and do things alone. We are praying for you guys and know that the things in life worth having are the ones worth fighting for! Love you guys!

[JJ]

Marriage is the hardest thing that I've ever done. One of the best wedding homilies/sermons that I've ever heard came from a Catholic Deacon who said "I'm going to let you in on a dirty little secret. There will be days in your marriage that you won't see eye to eye, you won't LOVE each other, and you might not even like each other, but as long as you value the commitment that you've made to this other person you've got something."

Jim and I have had our problems. There are days in our marriage that I've resented him with every bone in my body, but what matters is that I found something in him to believe in and value.

You said it Alicia, Love is a choice. Commitment is a choice.

If you & Keith can still respect one another enough to say "can we not talk about this right now - until we can cool down?" that's something. If you can find something good in him - like the way that the girls love him and he loves the girls - that's something.

See if your parents can take the girls some night and if you want to stay home (since you said finances are an issue) then cook something simple and have a date night. End it with talking. Set a timer and while the timer is going one person gets to talk and the other gets to listen (or take notes if that will help). So for example - you get to talk for 5 minutes - about anything you're feeling in your relationship. Then he gets 2 minutes to respond to you and his own 5 minutes to talk about how he feels. If you're both truly invested it WORKS.

Keep working at it.

[Chrissie]

My hubby and I were in counseling for about a year after our journey with recurrent miscarriage began. We were both grieving in very different ways and having a hard time finding common ground. Our counselor was amazing and truly made space for us to understand what the other person was actually saying. It was a gift to our marriage. And although we were going as a precaution because we saw things starting to get tougher we were so blessed, and continue to be by some of what learned.

Hoping you find someone who yo can both get along with. For our situation it was good that our counselor was a man, I think my hubby could hear him when he affirmed some of what I was saying in a way that was easier to understand than the way I would communicate it.

[Prairiegirl]

The Captain and I have also been there! We were at a rough point, but we asked for help before it got worse and I think that's why we're still "us"! Good luck!!