Urban Green Farm

A day of love

Thank you all so much for your prayers, notes and thoughts, I love this community, you all are loved. 

Yesterday Keith decided to take the day off, which allowed me to go to Glitter's grave alone. It was nice, to just sit and be, surrounded by peace. I have always found graveyards to be so peaceful. I sat there for around 20minutes, just talking to Glitter, thinking about what life would have been, what life is. It was a nice moment. 

I left Glitter his/her first and only toy. A little sock monkey. A toy to keep him company. I also left a beautiful african violet, a velvety soft, purple one. 

When I got home we decided to do something special with the girls, something any child would love. A trip to the farm! A petting farm!

It was a terrific experience. Ivy's favorite things was the huge sandbox, tunnel pit. Ayla liked everything. Keith liked the baby goats. I LOVED the baby chicks. I kept sneaking away and going back into their home to feed them. They would jump all over my arm and hand. SOO CUTE!!! The baby goats were amazing too, you could just go right to them and pet them, and snuggle them and they didn't care. It was a wonderful day. Filled with things I am grateful for, my family. 

TODAY: Not sure yet, but I feel an outing is in order :) Dinner at friends tonight, that always make for a good night. 

Too many photos to watermark, be kind please! 

 

due

When I found out I was pregnant with Glitter, I marked each week in my calendar with how far along I would be. When I lost Glitter I deleted all these painful reminders, but I could not erase this one. I tried, I had it highlighted ready to hit the delete key, but I couldn't. 

Today I could have had a baby.

I could be in labour right now, or even be holding our newest little member of the family. 

We could have all been lost in baby kisses. 

Our home could have looked completely different, my thoughts often go here. How our room would have a shelf of baby supplies right beside my bed, how the girls would be sharing a room, how the baby chair, swing and mat would be strewn around the house. How precious little baby things could be in every corner and place in this home.

Our van could have been squished with 3 little car seats. Ivy all the way in the back, Ayla and babe sharing the captains chairs in the 2nd row. 

We could be planning our summer trips as a family of 5 and how that will shape all the things we are doing. 

Ayla could be a big sister. 

Ivy could be a even more experienced big sister. 

My girls could be bonding, holding, kissing their newest sibling. They could start a relationship that will be with them their whole lives, no matter the fights, words, distance or pain a siblings love is always there. It is a remarkable connection. 

I could be resting in bed, bonding and breathing in my little baby's presence. 

I could be crying those tears of joy over his/her little face.

I could be a mom to three. 

I fought using the word should in this post. Because although I sometimes feel that way, Glitter SHOULD be here, I have to see the bigger picture. I am not saying their is purpose or reason for Glitter's death, or any other pregnancy loss. But I do believe there is something to take away from this. Something to learn. I could just be bitter and sad and angry forever with losing Glitter, but I don't want to remember him/her in that way. I am forever changed by this little tragedy. 

When I thought about this day back in October, I would reassure myself that at least I will be pregnant again for that hard day, because Glitter put in me the desire for a third child. I am not pregnant, well maybe I am but I won't know for another week :), but I am facing this hard day with 2 incredible children who I have been beyond blessed with and I know so many people have to face similar days with no other children and my heart breaks for them. I also have an extremely supportive, loving, caring husband who will hold my hand through this day and all the days where little things bring tears to my eyes. 

So although today could have been very, very different, it is what it is now and I have A LOT to be joyous about. Like the really neat thing that I am thankful for, today is Glitter's and the girls, Godmama's birthday and I think it is an amazing piece of comfort and joy that although Glitter is not here today, today some 30 years ago an amazing women was born, a women who has also forever changed me and my children, so at least, but not even really a least, we get to celebrate a birth today and that makes me very happy. Happy Birthday Julie. We love you. 

TODAY: We are going to Glitters grave with flowers. I imagine the kids will run around there while I sit beside the grave stone and watch them run, imaging Glitter running up in heaven, screeching a beautiful childlike voice and stopping to look down on his/her family with a smile. I love you Glitter, I always will. 

PS If you are interested in reading more about Glitter, under the Feather Charm link to the side at the bottom of the post, is all the major events that happened around Glitter. Thank you. 

babes

I had a small taste of 3 yesterday. A friend of mine had a new baby, and I remember all to well those first hard days of being a new mom. How exhausted, scared, emotional and painful it all is. So I popped over to her house to help out while she got some much deserved rest! 

Ayla was supposed to nap the whole visit, but instead she wanted to be everywhere that baby was. The baby quickly ended up in the sling, and if we ever have a third baby that is where it will spend all it's time. My girls did great to be honest. They both just wanted to snuggle and hold the new baby. But for a few hours I got the taste of three. And 3 very close in age!! My life if I did not lose Glitter, that would have been crazy, but wonderful. 

It was also clear that priorities would change even more. The cleanliness of this house has gone through a OCD neat freak mom, to a oh well it can wait....another week kinda clean mom. It is entirely impossible to keep this place clean with 2 busy kids and it just doesn't get to me the way it once did. With 3 the floor will always be sticky, the windows always finger printed and the carpets always crummy and that would just be the way it is! I think that would be well worth it for another little Millis in here. 

I am not sure if it was the lack of nap, the excitement Ayla felt over the new baby, or the small amount of real ice cream she got before bed, but this kid had a BAD night. 

She has been getting up a lot lately in the night. It is frustrating. She just needs to be lied down and given her soother, but it was happening MORE and MORE and sometimes she would need to be rocked back to sleep. I was kinda done with this. I know she is teething and growing and la di da but I NEED MY SLEEP. 

So Ayla cried it out again last night. She did this back at 7 months old and it took a while but she got used to it. So after an hour of crying with me coming in every 5 minutes to tell her I loved her and tucked her back in, she FINALLY calmed down. And SLEPT THROUGH the rest of the night. I really hope this sticks. 

She is a little puffy eyed this morning and I made sure she got lots of cuddles. It is a hard thing to do and not for every family, but I think she will have a good night tonight!

TODAY: My Grandma is coming over to make buns with me! She makes the BEST buns. It is likely going to rain today, so it will be great to stay inside baking. 

summer

Hey where is everyone? Haven't heard from some of you in a while. Everyone ok!? 

We had such a good day yesterday. We didn't step inside from 9 - 3:30. It was wonderful. There was wagon rides, sunscreen, hats, parks, side walk chalk, picnics, buckets, shovels and balls. 

Summer we embrace you :) 

Although I wanted Glitter more then anything, it will be nice to be just me this summer. No babe inside, no babe on the breast. Just me. I have a feeling this will be the best summer yet, actually getting to enjoy all the outdoors brings WITH my kids. 

We have 2 road trips planned this summer. One to Manitoba in the middle of July then one to Victoria at the end of July! CRAZY. And it looks like we will be getting a tent trailer for a super deal from a awesome friend so that means CAMPING! YUPEEEEE. No more tent nightmares for us. I can't tell you how excited this makes me. Ohh how we wanted to camp last summer and oh how we tried and failed. Not this year! Ivy is already excited about the fold up house, that's what I am calling it for her. 

Summer is going to be full. I hope yours is to! Talk to me friends, what plans do you have? How do you make the most of summer with kidlets? 

TODAY: Hanging out with a new baby, always a good day! And probably some more outside adventures. 

celebrating life and love

I did not know what to expect at the service. I did not expect it to be in all ways a true funeral. Just a mass one, where 100's of people attended all to mourn a very personal loss. 

With poems, and words and songs and a message that although early pregnancy loss can be looked over, can cause a further feeling of isolation since so many to do not believe or understand the mourning of a young, tiny babe, it was still being acknowledged here. It was beautiful. 

There were also many children there. Which was good and bad. I felt awful for those couples there who had lost their only child, only to be surrounded by children on this painful day. It was also totally distracting with kids and babies crying and whining all over, but it also made it real as families were there to mourn. 

Ivy was a gem, sitting with her snacks, colouring sheets and crayons. Ayla was frustrating, with her constant need to interact with other kids, to scream happy or sad, to run away in her squeaky shoes! WHO DOES that, puts squeaky shoes on their kid at a funeral...me. But really, what made it really hard and got me really unfairly upset with Ayla was that Glitter would never get to do those things. To cry and whine and walk and squeal. Her doing all that, being a baby, at Glitters service rubbed the point in my face and it was hard. 

We were all given a rock with our babies name on it, and a flower to put on the grave. This was incredibly touching for me. 

After the short service, we all got lead outside where a plaque had been made with all the baby's names engraved on it. The ashes of the baby's were sprinkled throughout the garden and we all got a chance to place sand in an urn and a flower in a vase in remembrance. 

It was a beautiful, wonderful service. For free, from our city. I was moved by this. The care and attention they gave to these families was remarkable. They recognized this unique pain. 

A light lunch followed, we just snacked a bit and went out for lunch as a family. 

I like that there is a place I can visit Glitter. I like that Glitter is surrounded by other baby's taken to soon. 

It was very special. I am thankful it took place. 

Yesterday we celebrated one of my favorite couples! Prince William and Kate's wedding anniversary :) 

What better way to celebrate then with a tea party and fancy hat making! Ivy and I crafted up some hats. Then I spent a while in the kitchen making finger sandwiches, tomato basil, smoked salmon and capers, egg salad and peanut butter and jelly! We all had our own pot of tea, even the girls and we watched their wedding while eating. 

It was so much fun! Even Ivy's toys had a tea party of their own with a tea set Ivy painted. 

It was a great, tasty party! 

TODAY: Monday grocery shopping, even though I went to a grocery store like 4 times last week! Having parties creates lots of extra shopping...yikes. The budget again has been blown for April. We have to get better at this, May has less events, so hopefully we can keep spending more in control. 

PROJECT APRIL SHINE, a success I say. This month has zoomed by. It has brought some GREAT things, a healthy new way of eating, yoga, better mood control and communication. Ivy turning 3, a place for Glitter to rest and a sense that 2012 may have started rough but good things are coming. They are. 

like a teenager

For 4 years now hormones have been messing with me. 

In our 2nd year of infertility, I was put on fertility drugs. They turned me into a raging, crazy bear. Always snapping and grumpy. 

Then I got pregnant and was over sensitive, emotional and well my body was not my own!

Then there was having a newborn, I was blue and weepy and struck with panic attacks. 

Then there was nursing and sleep deprivation which was exhausting and debilitating. 

Then I got pregnant again! See above. 

Then I was nursing and sleep deprived again! See above. 

Then I got pregnant again! See above. 

Then I had to deal with the grief of losing my wee Glitter babe, all while my body still believed it was pregnant causing me to be extra hormonal and crazy. 

And since then having normal cycles like most women, but I have never had these experiences before, where most women learn to deal with these hormones with each cycle as a teenager, I am being thrown into this at 28! 

This may sound ridiculous, but it is very hard for me. I spent Saturday in an unexplainable down place. With sad thoughts and feelings about everything, about myself and situation. Not being able to drag myself out of it. Even though we were doing great things as a family I was just STUCK. 

It was horrible. 

And it seemed one second I was so depressed I could barely manage a smile to the next second popping out of it. Being able to breathe again. 

And from then on I was fine. 

WHAT THE HECK! 

Sometimes this is all a little overwhelming, learning me at 28. painful. 

TODAY: The start of a new week! Means it is the day to stock up the fridge and pantry for this weeks exciting meal plans! If you are curious to what we are eating each night just follow me on instagram, I almost always post up pics of my kitchen creations! 

negative

Woke up to a BFN. (big fat negative on a pregnancy test)

Was just hoping for some good news around here. 

Really shouldn't be so bummed, but I am. 

I miss Glitter. 

Excuse me for being so depressing this week. 

To bring some smiles, here is some pics from Family Day. We went to Chucke Cheese, it was some serious fun! 

TODAY: Playdate plans, hope I can get out of my funk and cheer up for it. We also sooo need groceries, but am not feeling it, so we may just starve over here. Visit from another bestie tonight, I am lucky, friends surround me everywhere. 

blocks

I seem to have some writers block. This is strange for me. 

I know I have post ideas I wanted to share, but none of them feel right for today. 

Hmmm

Sooo it's time for some housekeeping :) 

1. Fly on the Wall

Don't think I have forgotten about this! It's been a while yes, but I really want to see some of the REAL days of you bloggy friends out there. 

So here we go! I need volunteers to photograph their morning, afternoon, evening, a meal time, how you cook, clean, craft SOMETHING! And tell us how it is, really is!

Please sign up below:

3rd week in Feb

3rd week in March 

3rd week in April 

Let's start with that! Come on volunteers!

2. Link With Love

Here to spread the word! Click the link above for more info, but awesome Kal, started this concept about sharing the ORIGINAL link when links are posted on blogs, facebook, e-mails WHEREVER! Join me in linking! These things we are sharing are someones art, whatever it may be, lets give credit where it is deserved! 

3. The Glitter Effect Charm

I still have lots of these charms. If you can think of anyone who would appreciate a feather charm please let me know. Comment, e-mail, phone, facebook me....something! 

4. Change

I think over the next few days I am going to be messing around with the way things look over here. Don't be alarmed, just be excited! 

And because I was asked many times about Ayla's sweater, here I will let you see more pics of it, 

long time readers may remember it from:

Ivy as a 5 month old. 

The sweater I bought 3 years ago! From Joe at Superstore :) Really where I get any NEW clothes I buy! Yes its a cute one, one of those pieces I think I will always keep long after babies are not present in our home. 

TODAY: Not a plan. My calendar says TEST on it....I can never wait till when my calendar tells me to test :) I think I will hold off on any more tests until Friday, or Saturday when my period is actually due, but I am not holding my breathe in hope or anything. 

 

worry

Could a new years resolution be to get rid of worry? I think I would be too worried I would fail to even stamp it as a resolution. 

Why do we strange human creatures carry worry? It is so purposeless. It only hinders what we try to achieve, only makes a hard situation harder. 

I am confronted with a few worries, obviously. 

Ivy took 2 years to conceive. A innocent, well meaning person may say to me, yes but look at Ayla and Glitter, easy peasy surprise babes! And yes they are right, but what if all the doubt and worry with Ivy just further freaked my body out and was part to blame in the whole 2 year thing and now that we WANT and are TRYING for a baby that this old pal worry may come and screw it up again? 

AND if worry does not win there and we do conceive, how can I not fret and worry over the little one so soon after losing sweet Glitter. And what if that worry is felt by the baby making chances of miscarriage even higher?

I am worrying about my worry. 

Useless. 

I wish I could take the advice I know I will receive, just let it be, don't stress, there is no rush, God has a plan, look at your 2 daughters and be grateful, calm down, breathe....or my own, very permanent advice, live in the NOWS girl, life is composed of them. 

But I hear about a peace, a tangible, comfortable peace that envelops a family when they know they are complete. I know we are missing a few members, maybe just one, hopefully more. And not having that peace makes it hard to just BE. I want, one more time, to feel a little baby kick my ribs, to see that little alien face on a ultrasound screen, to be excited and terrified of the labour ahead, to hold that brand new, little person so close and to cry tears of joy all over them. It may be selfish, I know, I KNOW how blessed I am to have 2 beauties, but I am missing the peace and I pray to have another little person come to life in my womb. 

Stay calm, breathe, be here in this now, I am blessed and believe I will be blessed even more. 

TODAY: get more calm. I may, once again, try to start up doing yoga a few times a week to achieve a better calm. Why not start today! I plan on drinking coffee by the gallon as I am crazy bagged lately and think of some creative thing to entertain the chiclettes. 

2012

Bringing it in, the new year that is.

2011, what a year. Full. Full of love, learning, loss and life. 

Jan 1st - 6 years of marriage to celebrate

Feb 25th - Ayla is born and I did it naturally and at home, go me! 

April 26th - Ivy turns 2! 

April 29th - Prince William gets married to Kate and me and the girls get up at 3am to watch them become Duke and Dutches of Cambridge. 

May - our 2nd garden is planted

June - Ayla is diagnosed with Asthma 

July 6-8th - Prince William is here! Stalking begins. 

July 8th - Ayla and I stake out the perfect parade seat at 3am. The whole family gets to see Prince William and Kate RIGHT across the street! 

Aug 23 - 25th - We take a family vacation at Sylvan Lake. 

Sept 18th- Find out we are expecting baby number 3, Glitter! 

Oct 27th - We have lost our baby Glitter, I have a D & C surgery to remove the remains. 

Nov 24th - Ivy finishes gymnastics and gets a certificate and everything. 

Nov 30th - My parents move back to Calgary! 

Dec - party, party, party! WIne and cheese party,  keith's familys ladies night out, Christmas Eve, Christmas! New years eve. 

What a YEAR. 

2012 will bring MUCH and LOTS of love, lessons, loss and life I am sure of it. 

Jan 1st - 7 years of marriage to celebrate. 

Jan 11-16th - ttc (trying to conceive) a baby! 

Feb 25th - Ayla turns 1. 

April 18th - coldplay concert (fulfilling a life dream for Keith and I)

April 26th - Ivy turns 3! 

April 28th - memorial service for Glitter and all the other lost babies. 

April 29th - tea party to celebrate Will and Kate's 1 year anniversary. 

May - backyard makeover! Starting with a new 2 level deck, pergola thingy, new trees, landscaping and of course the 3rd garden planted! 

May 30th - Glitters due date. We will do something special. 

June - a very special, very anticipated baby will be born! YAY, not mine silly's! 

July - Stampede! 

August - family vacation to BC by train to see Keith's best friend get married. 

Oct - possible baby being born! We sure hope so. I guess it all depends on how January goes! haha

Nov - I turn 29, last year of the 20's! haha should be fun :) 

Dec - Christmas, and more parties I am sure! 

Lots to look forward to. I hope your 2012 is full of life as well. 

 

TODAY: groceries? more sicky cuddles? who knows. Can't think that far this morning.